On collecting Waitrose magazine from the checkout at the Burgess Hill branch – it’s not Hove so I’m still getting used to it and certainly don’t look anyone in the eye – I am drawn to its front cover that offers advise on ‘What to drink if you’re not drinking’, written by renowned piss-artist Helen McGinn. My eagerness to absorb this article overcomes me; I cannot wait to get it home so I read it in the car park that is 90% populated by old people weeping at their inability to use the new ‘pay stations’. Indeed, I’m sure one old gent shits himself while trying to input his registration number, I’m concerned for his future as very soon the scroll-down menu to select how long you’re staying will confront him – and you certainly need a degree in Particle Physics to get through this phase.
Tucked-up in the car I frenziedly look for the article. I know it’s more ‘Dry January’ twaddle but will plough on regardless…
Oh yeah; my keen observations on ‘Dry January’ have noted that most of the participants in this guilt-fest that I have personally known have no need to ease up on the sauce; most of ‘em need a gallon of grog and to loosen up a bit.
Let’s look at Miss McGinn’s exciting recommendations for this hellish seasonal endeavour:
Zeno Alcohol-Liberated Sparkling (£11.99).
Helen observes that ‘wine isn’t easy to get right when the alcohol is removed.’ Sweet Christ on a Tandem! That’s like saying heroin loses its punch when you take out the opium, or Yves Klien’s art is weakened if you take the coloured paint away or titty-bars are a bit shit without well-stacked waiting staff. You are paying £11.99 for a bottle of pop, and if you do so you are undoubtedly mentally impaired.
Tanqueray Sevilla 0.0% (£18).
Our hostess tells us that the flavour of Seville oranges ‘more than makes up’ for the absence of alcohol, yeah, the drunks outside the library would always choose to suck on a tangerine rather than forget their living hell with a flagon of White Lightning. Those truly appalling parties we all dread are not going to fly by without the help of six huge gins – the juniper and orange blossom notes are not going to make the person you’ve avoided for three years seem bearable. Only real gin can do this.
Pentire Coastal Spritz Non-Alcoholic Aperitif (£27).
Let’s get this straight from the get-go: if you drink Aperol Spritz, or any form of spritz, you are simply a complete c**t with no hope of redemption. The only mitigating factor in drinking this would be if you are deep in the middle of a drinking competition with two squaddies from Hull, and it is now down to pints only…
Royal Flush Non-Alcoholic Sparkling Tea (£9.50).
This one intrigues me. After a big night on the Nigerian sherry I always advise the following: Two lucozades and a Lipton Ice Tea followed by four cans of Kate Moss Diet Coke, this usually casts away the demons. So paying £9.50 for one seventh of a hangover cure when you haven’t got a hangover is, once again, the preserve of the mentally ‘soft.’ Helen also lets us know that this concoction is a ‘cracking match’ for curries, that is flat-earth stuff indeed, as all of humanity knows that only several pints of lager sit well with curry – unless you have a demonic hangover, then tap water will suffice.
Helen McGinn also pens airport novels and appears on Saturday Kitchen. I’m now a big fan and will follow her career with interest as she is obviously taking the piss.
Isn’t she?
