The Cop30 UN climate summit has patently been a roaring success!
We can all rest easy in our beds knowing that the planet’s wise leadership has put its caring arms around our planet and ensured future generations will not a) Burn in hell or b) Drown in hell.
The main thrust of the delivered steps from Brazil are as follows:
- Low lying Pacific islands are to be placed on the ‘utterly fucked’ list and monitored carefully. Boutique hotels in The Maldives are expected to lower their prices accordingly and provide scuba gear – if there’s anything alive not strangled in plastic to look at.
- Those that live in California should buy a big tent and go to Alaska.
- Those that live in Australia shall be given a heat-resistant hat and a very big fire extinguisher.
- French wine producers should retrain in IT or call centre management.
- Mark Spitz will be posted to Wales and the West to give extra swimming lessons. Universal Credit and other benefits will now be paid in sandbags and flippers.
- The Saudi Arabian government will have permission to burn 99% of the oil they produce and then let the rest of the world fight over what’s left.
- Wind and Solar Power will be abandoned in favour of firelighters and a box of Swan Vestas for all UK households.
- Africa shall be designated a ‘fucked and nobody cares’ zone with exclusive access to eat their own sand and dust.
- Anywhere else not mentioned will be given a special ‘fucked and nobody cares’ Cop30 certificate and fridge magnet.
- We’re all fucked.
- Errr, that’s it. Thank you Brazil it was a gas….*
*no pun intended
