My regular readers will have noticed an alarming drop-off in the number of violently amusing vignettes written after reading the behemoth that is Metro; the free commuter newspaper that has the largest circulation in the UK.
This is solely due to my now being what’s known as ‘a pensioner.’ A state that means I don’t go up and down to Victoria station, pick up Metro and bang-out some hilarious crap in between Clapham Junction and Hassocks. No sir!
Since my state pension now pops into my Cayman Islands account I am winding back my workload, I’ll still be involved in stuff, but the £3456.65 the DWP pays me every four weeks will certainly help with the monthly wine and cocaine bills, plus make a down payment possible on the elephant’s foreskin golf bag I’ve had my eye on.
However, today I am a commuter once again and a story in Metro has leapt out at me…
Yes, it’s an ‘Involuntary Celibates’ piece, or ‘People Who Can’t Get Their Shit Together In The Trouser Department’, as sane folk call them.
Why are they always blokes?
Nico (not his real name – who cares?) feels ugly and needs reassurance that he’s fine.
Sweet Jesu you little turd, just tell her you’ve got a nine inch cock and see how that goes – instead of weeping during your expensive therapy sessions then masturbating ferociously over Sabrina Carpenter for seventeen hours. And; if you’d stop calling all the women you meet ‘mummy’ that might be a start. Oh, and you are ugly and you are certainly not ‘fine.’
And Tobias (not his real name – unless he’s from the Cotswolds) is looking at videos called ‘how to know if a girl likes you.’ For the love of Holy Mary son! Get her pissed on White Lightning and tell her she’s got the finest arse in Christendom, if she lashes out or tells you to fuck off you’ll certainly be crystal clear whether she likes you or not. It’s not an MSc in Particle Physics.
In my pension-soaked dotage I am now convinced I should go back to University and study to become a psychologist. I’m positive I’d bang out a PHd in double-quick time then get these fucked-up little wanker’s parents to fork out outrageous amounts of cash for me to teach little Tobias how to get a reasonable stiffy and bust his beans with a real lady…
My application to Kings College Cambridge is in the post.
