Firmly believing that Britain’s Got Talent is undoubtedly the work of Beelzebub and his Dreadful Minions, it comes as a blesséd relief to see that the ‘controllers’ of this depressing parade of people with mental health issues have finally made a sensible and wise decision.
Robert Aslanyan will not be permitted to perform his eulogy to our departed Queen Brenda on the arse-puckering television programme. I confess that I have never heard ‘Our Mother Queen’ – his musical offering to our nation – but I am willing to bet all my worldly possessions, my house in a beautiful Sussex village and all my vital internal organs that it is complete and utter bollocks. I’ll also bet my beloved wife’s life that it makes Ed Sheeran’s ‘Galway Girl’ sound like Mozart’s Requiem.
Look at him! Harry Styles is quaking in his boots as the pretender to his pop throne begins his climb up the slippery ladder to the stars. If he attempted to perform in public surely paramedics would be called as he’s one of those unfortunate people who always look like they are having a seizure or a mini-stroke.
But Ho! Wait…the more I consider this situation the more I feel the producers are wrong to deny the world this entertainment, history shows that ritual humiliation or even death in the public forum is an extremely popular watch. Let him
do the gig! Start a petition!
His ballsy claim for £85 million in lost potential revenue is a court case that will hold my interest in a way not seen since the Gillian Taylforth Blowjob Incident was up before the beak. His remarkably precise claim for £66 to feed his ‘entourage’ has me unable to speak due to spluttering disbelief between Three Bridges and East Croydon. A little bit of wee comes out as I desperately try to work out what the £66 purchased. Did he keep receipts for this expense? Is it valid to claim for consumables on Britain’s Got Talent?
Surely the only way to get to the bottom of these pithy issues is to enter the risible competition myself – if I perform my impersonation of Veronica from the lacrosse team in the showers after practice I will surely win the whole thing. All that could put a spanner in my plan would be a fat retarded person singing something by Andrew Lloyd Webber vaguely in tune….
I actually hope he wins his historic case.
