God I’ve missed Metro newspaper.
My semi-retirement has meant my days are spent in yoga pants, scratching my arse on the sofa watching car restoration shows on Discovery +2 whilst necking Vermouth, before soiling myself and falling asleep at 1pm. I rise again like a lazy Lazarus at 6pm, eat coco-pops and spend the evening glued to re-runs of Endeavour, Midsomer Murders and Lewis.
In amongst this unproductive bliss I have missed what people call ‘the outside world.’ This consists of what Metro newspaper tells me about celebrities and reality tv shows plus the occasional bizarre news stories usually involving incompetent criminals or strange objects removed from the anus’ of people with obvious mental health issues.
So… having to get back in the saddle and go to London today gives me my first sight of the mighty organ for months. I have shaved, showered, put on underwear and am now sitting in first-class on the 9:06 to Victoria opening my pristine Metro with as much feverish anticipation as if I was seeing Halle Berry’s knockers for the first time…..
OMG (as the kids say)! There is no disappointment in this department. The utter bollocks of the quote from Strictly Come Dancing contestant Bobby Brazier is enough to leave me breathless and dizzy.
In full: ‘For me, this dance is about the difference between the vulnerability of being honest with yourself, and allowing yourself to grow through love.’
There you have it folks, everything that’s wrong with the world in one line. I need a lie-down… back to the sofa.
