Take It Easy
Long drive today, started at 6am. Just got up, chucked stuff in the car and drove. Took 9 hours, but the road was full of new and unique events:
14 geological wonders, 1 shit Mexican breakfast, 6 wrong turns, 8 piss stops (male), 1 piss stop (female), 2 outrageously expensive Native American superstores, 9 bottles of water, 2 fuel fill-ups, 3 Route 66 shops, 3 Christian rock radio stations swiftly changed, 2 Christian rap-metal stations changed even faster, 1 painted desert, 1 petrified forest, 325 mentally challenged truckers passed at wife-scaringly high speed, 3 pieces of chewing gum, 0 cigarettes, 1,234 soppy but wonderful C&W songs, 2 African Americans and 0 Elk crashes.
Having been tucked up in Happy Valley for at least 20 hours now I have researched the average day for a resident in this heavenly place and here are the basic ingredients:
* Wake when you wake and breathe in the crystalline perfect air.
* Look out of the 25ft picture window and wave to the extremely fit and bronzed joggers and dog walkers – you know them all by name.
* Shower in the “Titanic Room” before your granola and radish juice.
* Have another look out of the window.
* Power walk to your Vinyassa flow class with Starrchild.
* Enjoy a post-yoga everything-free coffee on the Lilac Terrace with your chums Juniper and Persimmon.
* Play a little avant-garde street xylophone.
* Go to Sedona Whole Foods for a few basics: organic dandelion leaves, non-sprouting mung beans, a sourdough ciabatta, one heirloom tomato and a small bag of shelled pistachio nuts. Put the $256.54 bill on your new “ecofreedom” MasterCard.
* Sling the items in your unbleached hemp tote bags, get home and dump shopping on ethically mined quartz countertop for the maid to put away.
* Listen to Kenny G and Matt Venuti for approximately 12 minutes.
* Masturbate furiously for 12 minutes wondering how on earth you ever got here.
* Realise we’re all going to Hell in a Handcart so you’d better get your aura photographed – quickly.
* Realise the whole of civilisation (except Sedona) is doomed so you’d better sign up for a desert-based meditational journey – quickly.
* Pray for the God of Fags to drop 20 Marlboro on your sun terrace. Now.
* Phone your poetry workshop leader and lie about not being able to make it tonight.
* Shave your toes.
* Try and re-align your chakras.
* Find the bottle of vodka you hid in the garage behind the birthing pool.
* Drink the vodka neat – but with ice – until you shit yourself and pass out.
I love this place.