If You Want To get Ahead…

Out on the road early, we need to get our rhythm going – we’re going to be fantastically tired later as our bodies will let us know we’ve been up for 50 hours – just get through that and it’s vanilla all the way. What we need is a huge weird supermarket in a small desert town to buy stuff and feel that we’re now out on the road; we’re not mum & dad on a coach to the Grand Canyon.

Praise Jesus! A huge weird supermarket in a small desert town: Hurricane, Utah. Now to buy tons of what we always buy. Water, nachos, salsa, guacamole and that thinly sliced turkey that you can eat 10 slices at a time while still driving, and isn’t actually made of turkey.

Far more importantly I buy a $7.50 straw cowboy hat. It’s perfect and I’m now a pig-in-shit. We’re settled, Ashly’s feet are on the dashboard, the road is empty and there’s only about 3,500 miles to go. 

Zion National Park is so beautiful we’re convinced it’s a CGI virtual reality trick. Nothing could be so staggering, photography is a complete waste of time so when we stop I stand next to some huge parked motorcycle pretending it’s mine. And you need a hat. It’s 90 degrees and you’re high up, that’s why people wear them – not because they make you look great.

Ashly is so tired her eyes are burning, is that good? And in over 50-something hours we’ve only eaten nachos from the back of the car. Is that good?

Aah, the car. The car is a huge love-typhoon of a thing that happily hurtles along enjoying a gallon of petroleum every not-many-at-all miles. My methodical fuel calculations are in tatters.

I must promise not to say “Wash the fruit – Mexicans wank in it!” in a loud voice at the store ever again. A sign says “Desert Pain Specialists,” we fantasise about their services for a hundred miles or so…

We get to Bryce Canyon City and are asleep by 5:30pm, we have a date with the sunrise at 6:30am tomorrow. The lady in the hotel restaurant seems to not have the ability to speak without:  a) dribbling  b) sweating or c) grunting. Ashly thinks it must be something to do with my hat. We don’t eat as the food is obviously inedible… the US weight-loss plan is already gathering pace.