Having just sat on the sofa for a dangerous amount of time watching the 43rd Olympiad in Paris; I feel I now have sufficient authority to comment on the sporting profiles of a few of the countries who so gamely competed in the apparently successful games. I have severe buttock-blister and now weigh 27 stone, but will soldier on.
I will also try to avoid any glaring and inappropriate national stereotyping, but hope I shall fail miserably…
Great Britain: I cannot call them ‘Team GB’ as that annoying epithet makes my anus actually quiver, as it does most sane people. Anyway, what are we the kings of in the wonderful world of sport? Weeping. Yep, Weeping. Finish third in the climbing up a plastic wall or riding a BMX bike round in a circle for a bit and the reaction is as if they have just personally witnessed the butchering of 65 cute Labrador puppies en route to guide dog training. If they finish second they blub like they’ve been told the love of their life has inoperable cancer, the gold medal simply makes their face melt into a post-major-stroke look or John Hurt in The Elephant Man. Oh, and what are we good at? The events that receive the most funding of course. Plus riding horses wearing a stupid outfit that should only be worn when horse-whipping hunt saboteurs or lazy servants.
Serbia: Everyone in Serbia plays water polo and fights in the street. As any water polo aficionado will tell you; it is the most violent team game on earth. If you can swim a bit and are a borderline psycho then this is the hobby for you. Most Serbians tick these boxes, I’ve heard that even Novak Djokovic is ‘pretty handy.’
China: They don’t look happy when they win, just relieved. This is because they know that their glorious victory has kept their families alive for a little while longer. Silver means nine years in a Workers Retraining Centre while Bronze medalist athletes are forced to murder their own grandparents, the aim being to ‘toughen them up’ for LA 2028.
Kenya and Ethiopia: These two have a combined population of 177.4 million: and every last one of those 177.4 million is very skinny and can run up and down hills in 40 degree heat for days without stopping. Why anyone else bothers to enter any races of 5,000 meters or above is a complete mystery. Why train through misery for years and years only to be roundly beaten by a shiny stick person who isn’t really trying?
Qatar, Bahrain and Saudi Arabia: Why do these countries turn up? They do a bit of shooting but are not motivated enough to complete seriously; they need to be shooting at gays or beheading their wife to get the competitive juices flowing.
Canada: The Canadians are undoubtedly the healthiest people on the planet. No Canadian has ever got drunk on sherry or binge-smoked B&H. No Canadian has ever shat themselves in the street after being refused cider in the Co-op. Every Canadian is a prospective member of their Olympic team and a coiled spring waiting to smile heartily after having won bronze in the Static Trap Shooting or the 50 metre speed climbing, the mens horse shouting or the womens artistic platform diving. They never win ‘proper’ medals for running around or jumping over things – but they are all jolly game and are all good sports with nice teeth.
Bahamas: You probably don’t know this but The Bahamas are the most successful nation per capita in Olympic history! And this is doing ‘proper’ sports, like running around in a circle really quickly or running in a straight line really, really quickly. The only blip on their CV is the posh white bloke Sir Durward Randolph Knowles who won a sailing gold at the 1960 Rome Olympiad.
Australia: Let’s gloss over the breakdancing debacle, it is too painful to even think about. Talk about shagging every noble Olympic ideal up the arse. What on earth were the Educationally Sub-Normal individuals who allowed breakdancing into the same realm as David Hemery, Lasse Viren, Jesse Owens, Nadia Comaneci and Jessica Ennis thinking? The Aussies should only be allowed to compete in the swimming events – they usually win them all anyway – as swimming appears to be the only activity any Australian can be reliably expected to perform competently when drunk, which is most of the time.
Japan: The entire Japanese team seemed to consist of freshly-shaved young homosexuals with great hair who are good at jumping from great heights into a swimming pool while twisting unfeasibly. They will, however, still finish behind the Chinese divers.
