Having been tied to the sofa for a week, my understanding of olympic sport has grown considerably. I would like to share my insights.

BMX Cycling: Outside of the Olympic Games the only occasions you would notice someone on a BMX bike is if they are riding up behind you to steal your phone.

JUDO: I can categorically and confidently pronounce that nobody – absolutely nobody – knows what is going on in this sport. Not the referee, who just waves his arms and shouts, nor the two protagonists who roll about on the floor in their dressing gowns. The commentary consists of two blokes making up Japanese words.

BEACH VOLLEYBALL (MEN): One big bloke chucks up a beach ball and hits it hard at another bloke who falls over and can’t hit it back. The big bloke then fist-bumps another big bloke in those stupid wraparound sunglasses.

BEACH VOLLEYBALL (WOMEN): Hello all you massive liars out there! We all know that this activity is watched for the sole reason of looking at the ladies arses. If you say otherwise you are a fucking enormous fibber…

CANOEING: The winning ‘run’ looks exactly the same as the one that comes in last, which looks exactly the same as all the ones in between; which is someone flailing around trying to avoid going down a big plug hole while dodging some stripey sticks.

EQUESTRIANISM: Charlotte Posh-name really put the mockers on this event! Nobody really cares who wins, and never has – the exception being those who are royalty or own huge tracts of land in Scotland or The Cotswolds. As it’s in France, my idea for spicing up the event for a more populist feel would be to have the winning steed beaten to death and butchered by Charlotte Whatshername and get the cheval steaks on a big barbecue.

FOOTBALL: There is absolutely no point whatsoever in Olympic soccer. It’s worse than Sunday league (I should know).

HANDBALL: Fourteen psychopathic eastern europeans throw a small yellow sphere at each other for an hour, before one team is declared the winners: the score is usually something like 356-355.

HOCKEY: Was asleep during this, as everybody watching hockey always is.

DIVING: As far as I can see it consists of homosexuals with amazing bodies jumping in the water then standing around in the showers with micro-bathers barely covering their clean-shaven modesty.

ROWING: The really annoying one. The hysteria and overboard reaction to any brave British oars-person who finishes in the top three is now unbearable. The screaming commentary, the uncontrollable weeping, the thanking of dead relatives and pets who helped them on the ‘journey’ and the BBC placing as much importance on the Women’s Double Sculls semi-final as they do on the death of Elizabeth ll. And why is it impossible, absolutely utterly impossible, for any British rower who wins a medal to not wail as if it’s fucking Aberfan. Wankers….

BADMINTON: They look so serious! And everyone who is about to serve looks like they are close to having a huge and traumatic shit. Every point is dramatic, therefore the drama is lost. Then the Chinese win…

GOLF: A fucking disgrace. Whoever took the bribes to make this an Olympic sport should be ashamed of themselves. If it rears its head on my 72” I shall be chucking bricks.

BASKETBALL: The USA are 72,000,000/1 on to take the gold medal. The USA Paralympic team would win this…

TRAMPOLINING: This is a magnificent and awe inspiring event. Watching these brave (oh yes) young people doing spectacular physical contortions whilst bouncing up to 6 metres in the air is actually breathtaking. The women’s final was by far the best event of the games thus far, the British winner Bryony Page was 33 years old – an achievement indeed!

On the Tear Justification Counter this is the easy winner.

ARCHERY: A load of Asian cyborgs always hit the bullseye using a bow that looks as complex as Stephen Hawking’s chair. Agincourt 1415 it ain’t!

SHOOTING: See above, except a bloke from Yorkshire who works for the Post Office usually wins a bronze medal.

ARTISTIC GYMNASTICS: Only ever watched by perverts on catch-up at four in the morning.

SAILING: I tried, God I tried. No one knows where the start is, or the finish, or the route in between, or who has won, or lost. After the chaos is cleared up the New Zealanders are the winners. This is because they are used to constant typhoon level winds, so poncing around in The Med is a piece of piss.

My full and frank appraisal of the athletics will follow once they’ve got going…

I still miss David Coleman.